Strong or weak? How lockdown changed me.

The great 2020. 


A year that molded all of us in one or the other way. The year was difficult to pass and is now more difficult to forget.

Life before and after lockdown has been very different. I can literally write a book about it. Though it will be a little depressing, so I am just refraining from doing that. If I tell you about the changes I have been through, I am sure you will be able to relate.

Let's start with a small thing- me going back to my hometown (in that monotonous routine). I was more of a roller coaster person. Making random plans, going on solo trips, going to places alone, smoking on streets. All of this freedom of being me was taken away within a fraction of minutes (and I mean minutes).

Going back was never easy, staying in a joint family, no cigarettes, no alcohol, and mostly no freedom. Just a 12-hour long job and constant reminders of a whole lot of expectations.

No no no no….not expecting what I do in my career but being an Indian middle-class girl, being an adarshwadi daughter, getting married, and giving birth are the only three things that are expected.

The suffocation grew to such a big level that when I used to gt out of my drawing room (my workstation), my dadi (grandmom) and I used to have the same conversation every day:

Dadi: "kitni mehenat karegi? Itna kaam karke kya hi karna hai"

Me: "kya aap apne bete ko bhi yahi bologe ki itna kaam kyo karta hai?"

Dadi: "Vo toh admi hai na ghar ke liye kamata hai"

Me: "Toh abse puri zindgi aap mera pet bhar do or main nahi kamaungi. Aap doge mujhe itne paise?"

Dadi: "mere pass kaha se aaenge itne paise?"

Me: "Toh mujhe fir kamane do khud ke liye"

This conversation in itself was so sexist, suffocating, and repeated that I stopped talking to everyone in my family, including my mother who has always been my best friend.

Another major change that happened in me was my ability to see myself as a smart and independent woman. Before this tide, I was an independent, strong, and smart woman who did everything with full dedication and potential. After the tide swiped everything I had, I couldn't see myself as the same person before. The lockdown broke me into pieces, my family failed me every fucking day.

Honestly, even right now while writing this thought of the day, I am still crying while remembering everything that I have been through. Things went so bad that I started taking therapy in May. It really helped, and I was much better by my last session in Jan 2021.

Though I never told my family about these sessions, I always told them that I have a meeting to attend so that no one disturbs me in between.

Not sure how, but I know one day that old independent woman will be back and I can't afford to lose her forever. She has to come back for me to live a happier life, for me to be a stronger person, for me to fly high, for me to make an impact

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